58. Microwave Massacre (1983)

Microwave Massacre

Directed by Wayne Berwick

Microwave Massacre came close to blowing its chance with me. The opening scene features tight shots on a pair of jiggling breasts and a strutting butt. The owner of these assets walks to a construction site, and looks through a hole in the fence. She is immediately groped by a loitering man, and almost groped by two more men who run up to sexually assault her when they see her exposed breasts through the peephole.

Now, I was not expecting anything intellectual, but the vibe screamed “’70s Porno!,” and I was not interested. I almost turned it off.

But, it cut to a construction worker who looks like a cross between Joey Diaz and the Italian robot from Chuck E. Cheese holding a sandwich with a full-sized king crab in it, and I was intrigued. So, I left it on. It’s a decision I only slightly regret.

The construction worker with the sandwich is our protagonist/antagonist, Donald (played by Jackie Vernon, the voice of Frosty the Snowman in all those Christmas cartoons). Donald complains that his wife has no concept of what is edible to human beings, and packs him lunches that defy logic, i.e. a whole crab in between two loaves of bread. When he goes home, we meet his wife, May, who is clearly insane. She fancies herself a gourmet chef because she likes to heat up various things in an impossibly-large microwave, then mixes them together and calls it French cuisine. She serves these concoctions to Donald, and becomes enraged when he refuses to eat them.

No Way

One night, Donald comes home drunk, hungry, and confrontational. He and May get into a heated argument over her cooking, and he beats her to death with a pepper grinder. He cooks her in her own beloved microwave, and eats pieces of her. He acquires a taste for human flesh, driving him to kill and eat hookers.

The movie is full of non-stop, corny double entendre and sight gags. It is incredibly dumb. But I kept laughing. And I kept watching. I’m still not sure why. It is basically a soft-core porn that someone tweaked to have fewer sex scenes and more camp. What pushes this movie the extra mile are the little touches: the large stain on the back of the couch, the actual vomit on the ground outside of the bar, the stretch marks and plastic surgery scars of the nude actresses. The people who made this film just didn’t care….but that somehow makes it more endearing.

I spent an hour and a half of my limited time on this earth watching this, and I’m still not really sure how I feel about that.

Microwave Massacre

54. Sleeping With Other People (2015)

Sleeping With Other People
Directed by Leslye Headland

This is going to sound lazy and exaggerated, but Sleeping With Other People is one of the dumbest movies I have ever seen. And I’ve seen Carnage Road aka The Legend of Quiltface. At least that made me laugh. And it made more sense than this movie.

Lainey (Alison Brie) and Jake (Jason Sudeikis) casually lost their virginity to each other in college. Fast forward to adulthood and neither can stay in a long-term relationship. Lainey keeps cheating on her boyfriends with an extremely unattractive gynecologist who has no personality or emotions (Adam Scott). Jake just keeps cheating with whomever. They see each other again at a sex addicts’ meeting and for no discernible reason, decide to “just be friends.” So they proceed to have sex with other people, and complain about how unlucky in love they are despite being very best friends who understand each other AND are extremely attracted to each other AND Jake is a millionaire.        ???

A romantic comedy should be either romantic or comedic (preferably both), but this was neither. I went in wanting to like it, because I like Alison Brie and Jason Sudeikis, but I was not impressed with the story. I would recommend any other romantic comedy over this. Seriously, just search for “rom coms” and choose anything that comes up.

 Sleeping With Other PeopleLet’s not mention the whole bottle-fingering scene.

52. The Duchess (2008)

The Duchess
Directed by Saul Dibb

 The Duchess is a period piece about the life and times of Georgiana Spencer, some rich chick who married some rich dude in England a long time ago.

Keira Knightly, the go-to girl for these types of movies, plays the eponymous heroine whose personal suffering we are made to watch for almost two hours.

Georgiana is a plucky, intelligent, and charming 17-year-old girl who is told by her parents that she is to marry William, the Duke of Devonshire (Ralph Fiennes). Ever the optimist, she puts her best efforts into being a wife and expects a loving marriage to her new husband. It is soon clear to her, however, that William is a robotic dolt who is 100% uninterested in her as a person, and only wants her to squeeze out a male heir for him.

She keeps giving birth to daughters, and he is not amused. They travel to Bath for some R&R, and Georgiana makes friends with a battered woman named Bess. She invites Bess to stay with her, but the slumber party turns sour when Bess and William start hooking up. Some pal.

Georgiana naively demands William’s permission to have an affair with her longtime crush Charles Grey. It’s only fair, since he’s got himself a side chicken and everything.
He flies into a rage at her audacity, and straight up rapes her, which results in her finally giving birth to a male heir.

The Duchess

Bess extends an olive branch by secretly arranging a romantic getaway for Georgiana, so she can get that d from Chucky G. She is having so much fun on her vacation that she refuses to return home, but William threatens to never let her see her children again if she does not. She ends up giving birth to Charles’ child and is forced to give her up. Real feel-good stuff.

This movie might feature big wigs and stockings, and the loneliness of an 18th Century aristocrat, but it is no Marie Antionette. For all the crap Sofia Coppola took for that movie, at least she provided relief from the suffering with a danceable soundtrack and a rainbow of colors. In contrast, The Duchess is drab and dour with no musical score whatsoever. I don’t expect every period piece about the 1700s to mimic Coppola’s style, but this movie in particular was difficult to watch. Even the small moments of happiness do not feel like a victory because the oppressive atmosphere of the film makes Georgiana’s life seem completely hopeless. If you are just dying to see a depressing movie starring Keira Knightly, I would pass this up in favor of something more engaging, like Atonement.

48. Leaving Las Vegas (1995)

Leaving Las Vegas
Directed by Mike Figgis

In Leaving Las Vegas, Nicolas Cage plays an alcoholic named Ben who gets fired from his job and decides to hole up in a Las Vegas motel where he will drink himself to death. Why? Because, as I’ve mentioned before, it was 1995 and there was nothing else to do but get messed up. While he’s there, he meets Sera (Elisabeth Shue), a co-dependent hooker with a heart of gold who begs him to move in with her so that she can take care of him while he commits slow suicide. The movie culminates with the saddest sex scene to ever appear in a Hollywood film.

Nicolas Cage won an Oscar for this. And all he does is act like a drunk version of his usual manic self. I don’t know why the Academy chooses to honor things like this, but it is one of the most depressing movies I have ever seen. There are a couple of funny parts, like the opening scene where Ben dances and whistles down the liquor aisle as he fills his cart with the bottles of booze that will eventually kill him. There is also a scene where he screams inappropriate things into a tape recorder while standing in line at the bank. The rest is pretty bleak, though. Not even a cameo by Aunt Jackie can save it.

 

Leaving Las Vegas

40. Zabriskie Point (1970)

Zabriskie Point explosion

Directed by Michelangelo Antonioni

Zabriskie Point tells the story of an accidental meeting in the desert between a disgruntled, politically-minded college student named Mark (Mark Frechette), and a hip young woman named Daria (Daria Halprin).

After attending a Black Panther meeting at school, and being temporarily imprisoned by some grouchy Los Angeles cops, Mark purchases a gun and shows up at a political protest. He draws his gun and aims at a police officer, who falls dead. Whether Mark killed him is not apparent, but he takes off running as if he is guilty. He goes to the airport and steals a small, privately-owned airplane.

Zabriskie Point

In between shots of Mark’s antics, we are introduced to hippie-ish Daria, who works for a real estate developer who plans to build a gaudy, artificial modern neighborhood in the desert. Daria borrows a car and sets off on a road trip from L.A. to Phoenix to visit her boss. While driving through the desert, she stops at a roadside restaurant, asking where she can find a local man who takes in troubled kids from L.A. She spots the roving band of children playing around some abandoned junk, and tries to talk to them. They start tearing at her clothes, but she manages to escape and drive away.

At some point her car overheats, and while she is pouring water on her radiator, Mark flies low and buzzes her with his stolen plane. After forcing her to dive face-first onto the desert sand to avoid being decapitated by the propeller, he drops a red shirt out of the plane, which I guess for the purposes of this movie, means they are now friends.

Zabriskie Point

In the next scenes they visit Zabriskie Point, a tourist stop in Death Valley. They talk a little about themselves and walk around in the desert. We are treated to beautiful wide-angle landscapes of desert and sky. Then they take their clothes off and have sex in the dust. Suddenly, several other flower-child couples who have appeared, seemingly out of the ether, also roll around in the dust. A caricature of a suburban family of tourists shows up, takes a look out at the dunes, and then drives away in their massive RV rig, apparently ignorant of the orgy going on around them.

Zabriskie Point

After they are finished, Mark attempts to shoot another cop, but Daria stops him. Then they paint obscene things on the airplane, and Mark flies back to L.A. to face the music. On her way to Phoenix, Daria hears on the radio that Mark has been killed by the police. When she arrives at her boss’s house, she is visibly upset. Instead of staying in the guest room that has been prepared for her, she flees back to her car. She turns around and stares at the house and imagines it exploding into flames while music by Pink Floyd plays. It is apparent that a lot of money was spent on these pyrotechnic effects because the scene is repeated 15 times in a row, followed by slow-motion shots of the furniture and other contents of the house exploding.

The movie is an attractive mess, much like its own protagonists. The desert landscapes are beautifully shot, and the soundtrack is a Who’s Who of the 1960s rock scene with contributions from Pink Floyd, Jerry Garcia, The Youngbloods, The Rolling Stones, and (almost) The Doors. Antonioni was acutely aware of what was hip.

Zabriskie Point

He started filming in 1968, attempting to capture the zeitgeist of late ’60s American counterculture which had much in common with his own anti-consumerist ideals. His critique of America and its corruption would make him a target of the FBI, who tried and failed to charge him with several crimes following the making of this movie. Though sincere, and accurate, in his attempt to capture the impotent rage of an agitated hippie, the resulting film is disjointed and boring. I fell asleep the first time I tried to watch it. The scenes do not movie fluidly, or very logically, but I understand his stylistic choice. It makes sense in the context of the ’60s when mind-altering drugs were popular, and social upheaval the norm. Life must have seemed like a series of jump cuts. Unfortunately, Easy Rider presents a more cohesive and engaging story of the peace-and-love generation’s souring, and it beat the release of Zabriskie Point by a year. (Fun fact: Daria Halprin would later marry Easy Rider‘s star, Dennis Hopper.) MGM failed to promote it properly, and following an abnormally short box office run, it proved to be a financial failure.

Speaking of agitated hippies, the lead actor, Mark Frechette, was involved in a cult called the Fort Hill Community, which revolved around a charismatic leader to whom Frechette gave his entire earnings from this movie. He and other members of the cult attempted to rob a bank a few years after its release. He was incarcerated, and died in jail when a barbell fell on him, crushing his windpipe. Coincidentally, another cult of agitated hippies–the as-yet-unkown Manson Family–was crawling around the dunes of Death Valley the year this was filmed, not far from the area where the mass make-out session took place. When you think about the scene with the troubled kids attacking Daria, it seems eerily metaphorical.

P.S.

Everyone who watched MTV in the ’90s will immediately recognize that the video for The Smashing Pumpkins’ Today must have been heavily inspired by this movie.

Zabriskie Point

(This has been part one of four in a series of Independence Day-themed posts. Happy Birthday, America.)

39. Shivers (1975)

Shivers 1975
Directed by David Cronenberg

There isn’t much I have to say about Shivers. It is about parasites that infect people who live in a high rise apartment building on an island in Montreal. The parasites are these disturbing-looking leech things. You can draw your own Freudian conclusions about what they resemble. These leeches turn people into sex-crazed lunatics, and once everyone on the island is infected, they load up in cars and drive to the mainland to further spread the parasites. That’s really all there is to it.

Shivers 1975

As with every Cronenberg film, there is a fair amount of viscera. There is also a neat first-person shot from the point of view of a woman running to escape the building. I feel like this movie had to have been an influence on whomever made Night of the Creeps.

This is way off topic, but I saw the same blue shag rug in this film that I saw in Season of the Witch. I’m getting a kick out of watching these early ’70s movies if only because the interior decorating is so kooky. I have never seen more experimental home decor in the decades before or since.

Shivers 1975

38. Mausoleum (1983)

Bobbie Bresee

Directed by Michael Dugan

I’m riding a wave of B-horror movies right now, and to continue the theme of women involved in the occult doing harm to men, I present to you Mausoleum. Directed by Michael Dugan, whose only other directing gig seems to be a softcore porn called Raging Hormones, this horror movie makes use of Playboy model Bobbie Bresee’s best assets as she plays a possessed woman who seduces men and then kills them.

The movie starts out with young Susan crying at her mother’s casket, graveside. Her Aunt Cora, whom she must live with now that her mother is dead, tells her it’s time to go home. Susan is too aggrieved to hear that shit, so she runs away to the other end of the cemetery. She goes inside a large stone crypt that bears the inscription “Nomed” (subtle). We know something freaky will happen because the inside has pink and green lighting, the signature of 1980s horror films. Someone is making shadow puppets on the wall, beckoning her to approach a tomb that sits in the center. A bum stumbles in from an alcove,  Susan’s eyes turn fluorescent green, and the bum’s scalp starts smoking before he drops dead. (The eye thing must have been a popular effect in 1983 because we see it in the Total Eclipse of the Heart music video, too.)

Mausoleum 1983

Skip forward in time, and 30-year-old Susan (Bresee) is married to Oliver (Marjoe Gortner), and living in a mansion that would make Pablo Escobar jealous. She is a bored, lonely housewife because Oliver is always away on business (a theme shared with Season of the Witch.)

One night Oliver actually has time to take Susan out for a drink at a nightclub. While they are dancing, a Kenny Rogers clone comes up and manhandles her. They leave the club, and Knockoff Kenny Rogers stumbles outside and climbs into his vehicle to drunk-drive away. Susan’s eyes turn green again, and his car explodes into flames, frying him up like so much chicken.

The demon inside Susan is on a killing spree now, coming out to play when her creepy gardener comes on too strong. Instead of killing him outright, Susan has sex with him first so that her titty-monsters can gnaw on him a little bit. Then she stabs him repeatedly with a garden claw. I have to hand it to the people who made this film; most ’80s B-horror movies show boobs, but this movie actually puts them to work.

Mausoleum

Anyway, Aunt Cora notices that Susan has been acting weird, and thinks she might be possessed by the same demon that possessed her sister. She knows about this demon because she has a detailed instruction manual, passed down from her grandfather, that says the eldest daughter in every generation of the Nomed family must never enter the creepy mausoleum or else they will be possessed. And Aunt Cora never bothered to mention this to her sister or her niece, who are both the eldest female child of their respective generations. She does, however, leave the book with Susan’s psychiatrist. Then she visits Susan and gets what she deserves when Susan telekinetically levitates her and rips her chest open.

Chest ripper

Oliver is completely ignorant to everything that has been happening and leaves Elsie the maid (Aunt Esther from Sanford and Son) in charge of looking after Susan while he leaves yet again on business. Elsie sees green smoke emanating from the hallway, makes a few over-the-top quips, and then leaves to the strain of “comedy” music, in case you were too dumb to understand that she is there for comic relief.

The movie just meanders aimlessly from there with the psychiatrist Dr. Andrews playing a sort of cut-rate Dr. Loomis figure who is determined to save Susan and all of mankind from the demon. With the help of the instruction manual Cora left him, he ends up setting things right.

Mausoleum 1983

Know when to walk away…know when to run.

The whole thing is a pretty typical low-budget ’80s horror movie. That being said, it has decent practical effects, which was standard for back then. I love that former child preacher Marjoe Gortner is in this. If you haven’t heard of him, check out his story. My gripe is the same one I typically have with movies like this: it is too long. It becomes tiresome around the halfway mark, and I suspect that they had to pad the film to make it longer, and repeated scenes under the guise of flashbacks in order to fill time. The film quality is also pretty rough, showing scratches all over throughout the entirety of the movie. The digital conversion was obviously made from a very degraded physical copy of the film.

I think the whole endeavor was pretty ambitious, but I admire that. I feel like a lot of effort went into making this, which shows in the practical effects.  A movie seems so much more special when you know someone got their hands dirty to make it. Perhaps my opinion is tainted by nostalgia, but I can’t see myself sitting through the modern equivalent to this type of movie.

Mausoleum 1983

37. Season of the Witch aka Hungry Wives (1972 or 1973?)

Season of the Witch
Directed by George Romero

Season of the Witch aka Hungry Wives aka Jack’s Wife cannot decide what its name is or what year it was released. It can’t even decide what kind of movie it wants to be, but that is not George Romero’s fault. He tried. He served as screenwriter, director, cinematographer, and editor of what he meant to be a feminist film titled Jack’s Wife. The distributors, who had other plans for this movie, tried to pressure him into making the sex scenes pornographic. After he refused, they re-edited the final product and marketed it as softcore porn under the name Hungry Wives in 1972. It bombed on its initial release, but was re-released as Season of the Witch later in the 1970s to ride the coattails of Romero’s success with Dawn of the Dead.

In this movie, Joan is a housewife who is dealing badly with entering middle age. Her only two jobs–being a wife and a mother–are now obsolete as her husband Jack is completely absorbed in his job and treats her like garbage, and her college-aged daughter Nikki no longer needs her. Lonely Joan has nightmares about her husband’s poor treatment of her, as well as recurring night terrors involving a masked intruder who breaks into her home and attacks her.

Season of the Witch

One night while Jack is away on business (as he almost always is) Joan has her best friend Shirley over. Shirley proceeds to get TORE UP. Nikki and her boyfriend Gregg are there, too. (Later on we learn that he is also her college professor.) Gregg messes with Shirley, giving her a cigarette, but tells her it’s a joint, so he can trick her into acting loopy for his own amusement. But she’s already wasted, so I don’t know what he’s trying to prove. Anyway, Joan is pissed with Gregg’s mean-spirited antics and orders him out of her house. On his way out he makes condescending sexual remarks to Joan which further proves that he has no self awareness, as he looks like a cross between Greg Brady and a goblin–and has the personality to match.

Gregg

Call me Johnny Bravo.

Joan drives poor, drunk Shirley home, and then returns to her own house to hear Nikki and Professor Ass Goblin having sex loudly. Instead of banging on the door and telling them to shut up, she goes to her bedroom and writhes around on her bed. A little while later, Nikki walks in, and presumably embarassed that her mother heard her getting it on, announces that she’s running away, and promptly disappears.

When Jack returns from his business trip to learn that his daughter was having sex AND that she has run away from home, he asks Joan the obvious question, “Why didn’t you kick some ass?!!” Then he demonstrates how this is done by slapping the shit out of her.

Joan visits a neighbor she learns is a witch. She borrows a book with instructions for becoming a witch, and decides it sounds like a worthwhile hobby. She needs something else to fill her time besides worrying about wrinkles and being abused by men. So she heads down to the hippie part of town to go on a shopping spree for witch supplies at the food co-op and the thrift store to the strains of Donovan’s Season of the Witch (hence the title of the re-released version). Obtaining the rights to use the song is probably where most of the budget went, if I had to guess.

Season of the Witch

She goes home and gets right to work witching. She burns incense and recites incantations, and writes the Our Father backwards. For some inexplicable reason she casts a seduction spell on Professor Ass Goblin, requesting for him to visit her that night. But we don’t know if the spell actually works because she picks up the phone and makes a real booty call to him. He comes over, insults her, then has sex with her. Afterward, she starts playing with all her new witch crap that’s spread all over the coffee table, and he asks what she’s doing. When she tells him she’s a witch, he rolls his eyes then basically rapes her.

Late one night Jack returns home early from one of his business trips. At the same time, Joan is suffering one of her night terrors about the masked intruder. When she hears the door being opened for real, she grabs a shotgun and shoots through the door, killing Jack. The police chalk it up to an accident. Then the film cuts to her taking part in a ceremony initiating her into a coven. (The scene is similar to one that takes place in The Love Witch.) The movie ends with her attending a party and telling another guest that she is a witch. Then she is introduced as “Jack’s wife,” proving that to others she still has no value or identity aside from her fixed social role as a wife and mother.

Season of the Witch

I’m a witch, bitch.

My biggest complaint about this movie is that it is too repetitive in some parts. The pace could have been faster, and more of the time could have been used to propel the plot forward in a meaningful way. I realize that this could be a result of the tampering done by the distributor, or a need to fill time in order for it to be considered a full length feature. But there are only so many closeups of bull statues and Hummel figurines one can stomach before becoming bored. I do like the glimpse into early ’70s life this movie gives due to the fact that it was a low-budget affair, and the sets were just real life houses left as is, and the clothes and makeup were done by average people. So much blue eyeshadow!

I think it is interesting to see Romero’s non-zombie work. He really is a good director, and you can see it here, even in this early, low-budget project. He said he would have liked to remake this movie, and I wish I could have seen him do that before he died.

 

George Romero

George Romero

George Romero

36. The Little Hours (2017)

The Little Hours
Directed by Jeff Baena

The Little Hours is a bawdy comedy set in the Middle Ages about a convent of surly nuns who sin to alleviate boredom. One of their favorite activities is to verbally and physically abuse the maintenance man. When he quits, and an attractive “deaf-mute” takes his place, uncontrollable lust drives the women to engage in seduction, drug use, rape, and witchcraft before the Bishop comes around to set straight the lawlessness that has been happening under the lax watch of alcoholic priest, Father Tomasso.

First off, this movie has an all-star cast. Aubrey Plaza, Alison Brie, and Kate Micucci play the nuns, Sisters Alessandra, Fernanda, and Ginevra. Molly Shannon plays Sister Marea, the Mother Superior, and John C. Riley plays Father Tommasso. Dave Franco plays the attractive maintenance man/fugitive Massetto, and Fred Armisen plays Bishop Bartolomeo who rains on everyone’s parade.

The Little Hours
Supposedly, the plot is loosely based on some stories from Boccaccio’s The Decameron. It also serves as a spoof of the Pasolini film of the same name, which makes sense, because some elements of the movie, including the title screen, have an early ’70s feel. Anyhow, I found it amusing. The style of humor is very raunchy. You probably should not watch this if you are Catholic or easily offended. It is very nice to look at. The costumes, props, sets, and outdoor scenes come together to create a very believable Medieval atmosphere in contrast to the modern dialog and comedy. My absolute favorite scene in the movie is when Nick Offerman’s character Lord Bruno is chasing Massetto down a hallway while Baroque-style music plays (wrong time period, I know, but it creates a nice effect). I don’t even know why I like that particular scene, as it’s only a few seconds long. I just like the way it looks. My husband has a couple of favorite scenes, too. If you watch the movie, you can probably guess which ones they are.

The Little Hours

27. Love (2015)

*NSFW and not for the easily offended.

Murphy and Electra
Directed by Gaspar Noe

Yuck. I’m embarrassed to even admit that I watched this. Not just because of the gratuitous sex, either, but because it’s not good.

I read about all the hype surrounding this movie and the debate about whether it counts as pornography because the actors actually had sex on film. Reading that people walked out of its screening made me want to see it because I consider it a challenge to find out if something that is shocking to other people offends my sensibilities too, or if the fuss is much ado about nothing.

Well, I totally get why people walked out. I wanted to turn it off after the first minute. It was a chore to sit through this abortion of a film. The phrase “boring as fuck” is applicable here; it is indeed boring to watch these people have sex over and over again. The story sucks, the dialog sucks (much of it was improvised), the acting sucks. Save yourself time and fast forward to one of the many sex scenes if all you care to see is porn, because there isn’t much else.

The story switches between the present day and flashbacks that the main character, Murphy, has. Arranged in a linear fashion, the plot is thus:

Murphy is an American who is in Paris to study film. He meets art student Electra, and they start an obsessive relationship. Their whole relationship seems centered around sexual experimentation despite the fact that neither can handle the emotional fallout. Each professes their undying love for the other, yet Murphy is habitually unfaithful and Electra cheats on him, too, when it benefits her to do so. They invite their neighbor over for a three-way and Murphy ends up getting the neighbor pregnant. Electra breaks up with him and spirals into drug addiction.

A couple years later, Murphy, now bored with his marriage to the neighbor and the drudgery of raising their toddler, gets a call from Electra’s mother saying she has disappeared. The phone call triggers the flashbacks of their relationship, which causes Murphy to sob in the tub over how much he misses her and how he wishes he could go back in time and change everything.

Noe insists that his movie is all about love, but I didn’t see anything that resembled love between any of the characters here. The relationship between Murphy and Electra did not seem to be love as much as it seemed like addiction. For as much as Murphy liked to insist he was a filmmaker and Electra an artist, I did not see either working on their art at all. They seemingly used each other as a distraction and a reason to neglect other aspects of their lives. Murphy and the neighbor’s relationship started out as merely lust but turned into one based on the obligation of childrearing.

The premise could have been good if Noe had spent more time developing the writing, and less time focusing on the sex. The sex scenes detract from the story, in my opinion, because they are too lengthy and extreme, and there are way too many. It could have been an actual love story, but I’m not sure he understands what that concept is, anyway. If he thinks what occurred in the movie has anything to do with love, I feel sorry for him.

Because Noe is a somewhat respected director, I expected something a little more intelligent. He’s only respected for making things look visually striking, though. And he can do that well. But there is no substance to it. I don’t know if he actually believes his own bullshit, or if he just wants to trick others into believing it, but I’m not buying it.

Oh, and I forgot to mention that there was a gimmick attached–the film was in 3D when it was shown in theaters. The only thing that would have redeemed this film for me is if I could have seen it in public with a squirt gun so that I could have sprayed it into the audience during the 3D jizz scene to see if anyone would have screamed. It would have been the only entertainment value I could have gotten from this film.

If you want to see something weird and shockingly raunchy, I recommend watching The Wetlands instead. I found it way more amusing than this steaming pile of dog crap.

Gaspar Noe's Love

Regret.